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Palo Alto, CA — When Louis Borders founded Webvan in 1996, he knew that the purpose of the internet would be to return humans to their natural state of lazy-quillibrium, to their “minimum viable product”: having everything delivered, freeing them to sit on a couch and get stoned while watching every episode of Lost. Again. Can you think of any higher purpose for a technology or company? I cannot. Tragically, he failed at realizing his […]

iPhone 6 Bend

SAN FRANCISCO, CA.  After a long day of highly anticipated and largely expected announcements at the Apple Event 2015, fans were given another welcome, but not quite so expected announcement.     “The iPhone 6s is the most important development in mobile devices to date,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said, without a hint of hyperbole. “That is why we not only improved the software of the device, but the hardware as well. Ladies and gentlemen, I […]

iPad vs Surface

  Just three months after Apple’s WWDC event, their aptly named Apple Event 2015 was a highly anticipated one. The pressure was on, as media outlets speculated on what Apple might release, and with only three months since their last event and only five months since the unveiling of the Apple Watch, the eyes of the world were watching to see what Apple had up its sleeves next.     The iPad Pro, a highlight of the event, was touted as the professional class of its smaller […]

ashley madison

  On July 20th, the hacker group calling themselves the Impact Team hacked into the database of the dating site Ashley Madison — a site for married people to find affairs. Now, one month later, 32 million names, emails, and credit cards have been released by the hacker group on the Dark Web Tor browser, and everyone is asking one question… What’s their next target?     Today that question was answered.     The site, a fan […]

So many vowels!

San Francisco, CA – Facing a “make-or-break” moment in his journey toward launch, local developer Chad Kitchens revealed to reporters that he’s experiencing extreme difficulty in trying to decide which vowel or vowels to remove from his startup’s flagship app’s name.     “The interim name at the moment is Streamliner, but anyone with half a brain knows that vowel-filled monstrosity wouldn’t fly in the real world,” Kitchens said. “One, two, or three vowels need […]

No Selfie

Selfie h8rs rejoice — we finally have the technology to rid ourselves of those atrocious self-made digital portraits. At least on Instagram anyway.     The popular photo-sharing network introduced a new timeline filter on Wednesday that can block pictures containing only the face of the poster, allowing users to avoid selfies in their photo feeds without having to deal with the drama of an unfollow. The filter can be customized to remove duck-face selfies, […]

A sexual unboxing

A seemingly innocent YouTube video documenting the unboxing of a new MacBook Air was discovered to take an unexpected sexual turn too uncomfortable for most viewers to watch.     After four and a half minutes of standard part and spec review, the voice of video-poster Allan Zorn suddenly becomes noticeably sensual while demonstrating use of the laptop’s power cord.     “Then you put the plug tip in like this,” Zorn says erotically. “Just […]

Startup addiction is real

San Francisco, CA – After years of telling himself he could “quit anytime,” San Francisco entrepreneur Bill Vonn checked himself into rehab this past Friday in a last-ditch attempt to overcome a debilitating startup addiction.     In the last month alone, Vonn has founded 247 unique startups, most of which have already been deemed financial busts. A sad ending to a story that started with a boy who seemed destined to become anything but […]

A doctor conducting a scientific experiment

According to a recent study conducted by Apple, Inc., Samsung cell phones — specifically the Galaxy S4 and especially the soon-to-be-released Galaxy Note 3 — have been shown to cause brain cancer in just about everyone who uses either of the handsets.     “The proof is in the pudding,” said Apple R&D Director Max Byers, who oversaw the trial. “We keep a close eye on this type of thing, and our research results couldn’t […]

Charge while you poo

Let’s face it, you’re no longer hitting the head these days just to take a #1 or #2. A clear #3 has emerged to represent what we’re doing on the john, and the Federal Trade Commission has acted to ensure Americans will have the necessary comforts while using their cell phones in the bathroom.     According to a report by the Wall Street Journal, all toilets in the U.S. will be required to come […]

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