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So many vowels!

San Francisco, CA – Facing a “make-or-break” moment in his journey toward launch, local developer Chad Kitchens revealed to reporters that he’s experiencing extreme difficulty in trying to decide which vowel or vowels to remove from his startup’s flagship app’s name.     “The interim name at the moment is Streamliner, but anyone with half a brain knows that vowel-filled monstrosity wouldn’t fly in the real world,” Kitchens said. “One, two, or three vowels need […]

No Selfie

Selfie h8rs rejoice — we finally have the technology to rid ourselves of those atrocious self-made digital portraits. At least on Instagram anyway.     The popular photo-sharing network introduced a new timeline filter on Wednesday that can block pictures containing only the face of the poster, allowing users to avoid selfies in their photo feeds without having to deal with the drama of an unfollow. The filter can be customized to remove duck-face selfies, […]

A sexual unboxing

A seemingly innocent YouTube video documenting the unboxing of a new MacBook Air was discovered to take an unexpected sexual turn too uncomfortable for most viewers to watch.     After four and a half minutes of standard part and spec review, the voice of video-poster Allan Zorn suddenly becomes noticeably sensual while demonstrating use of the laptop’s power cord.     “Then you put the plug tip in like this,” Zorn says erotically. “Just […]

Startup addiction is real

San Francisco, CA – After years of telling himself he could “quit anytime,” San Francisco entrepreneur Bill Vonn checked himself into rehab this past Friday in a last-ditch attempt to overcome a debilitating startup addiction.     In the last month alone, Vonn has founded 247 unique startups, most of which have already been deemed financial busts. A sad ending to a story that started with a boy who seemed destined to become anything but […]

A doctor conducting a scientific experiment

According to a recent study conducted by Apple, Inc., Samsung cell phones — specifically the Galaxy S4 and especially the soon-to-be-released Galaxy Note 3 — have been shown to cause brain cancer in just about everyone who uses either of the handsets.     “The proof is in the pudding,” said Apple R&D Director Max Byers, who oversaw the trial. “We keep a close eye on this type of thing, and our research results couldn’t […]

Charge while you poo

Let’s face it, you’re no longer hitting the head these days just to take a #1 or #2. A clear #3 has emerged to represent what we’re doing on the john, and the Federal Trade Commission has acted to ensure Americans will have the necessary comforts while using their cell phones in the bathroom.     According to a report by the Wall Street Journal, all toilets in the U.S. will be required to come […]

Space Woody

Cologne, Germany – An asteroid that happens to look a whole lot like actor Woody Harrelson has been discovered by a scientist at the German Aerospace Center in Cologne.     The goofy-looking asteroid — officially named 2013 WZ34 — was photographed as it passed by Earth around 2:00 pm CEST yesterday. Hans Meyer, the researcher who spotted the grinning space rock, said the asteroid instantly looked familiar to him, but he couldn’t tell right […]

Love is in the comments

Chances are someone you know met their significant other online, but maybe not quite where you’d expect. According to a new study by the Digital Age Research Group, over 10% of all relationships now begin in the comments section of YouTube videos.     10,000 people currently in relationships around the world were surveyed, with only roughly a quarter reporting to have first met their romantic partner somewhere in person. 7,529 of those polled said […]

And no sex

Miami, FL – Sex may be prohibited in the champagne room, but apparently bewildering instances of absentmindedness are not.     Apple is once again clearing egg from its face as a misplaced prototype has been found by a member of the public, this time an iWatch uncovered in a Miami stripclub’s high-priced private section.     Perhaps it was fate that a stripper named Destiny made the discovery, spotting the device wedged between two […]

We goin' to Mars baby!

Pop icon and space-travel aficionado Justin Bieber announced today via Twitter that he will be ringing in 2015 in grand fashion from the planet Mars.     “NYE 2015 gonna be off the hizzy and outta this WORLD!! Goin to mars baby! u better belieb it,” the tweet read.     The singer, who previously had plans to take a spaceflight with Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic, said he decided to go to Mars instead after […]

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