At a surprise news conference held on Sunday, Angel Investor Jesse Christianson was revealed to be none other than Jesus Christ, the son of God.
“I can no longer keep this secret from the public,” said Judas Benowitz, who co-founded Christ’s Angel Network, Biblical Investments. “As much as it pains me to betray my savior, I must do the right thing.”
Christ, who sprung onto the scene around October of last year, quickly became one of the prominent figures in the world of angel investing after he dropped $10 million in second-round funding towards a new Christian dating site.
“After he became the main owner of immaculateconnection.com, everyone took notice. And not just because he looked like a hotter Jim Caviezel,” said Paul Henderson, who is VP of Biblical Investments. “For a long time, Ron Conway was our God, but then Jesus showed up and everyone kind of converted.”
Over the last couple months, many investors and industry insiders had begun to speculate Christ’s real motivation, especially after he backed two different startups that focused on post-apocalyptic survival.
“I assumed he was just a really big fan of zombie films,” said Henderson.
“Jesse—I mean Jesus—was hoping to make as much money as possible before late December,” noted Benowitz during the conference. When asked if he was referring to the end of the world according to the Mayan Calendar, he said, “I’m not sure. He said it was for his killer birthday party. But his newest investment, TechBunk, is developing a way to create Wi-Fi networks in bomb shelters.”
That was when things turned hellish, as many in the room began to accuse Biblical Investments of letting the world fall apart in order to increase profits for their investments. “Couldn’t Jesus just snap his fingers and make everything better,” asked one attendee.
“I asked him the same thing,” replied Judas. “But he worried it would hurt our Q2 numbers.”
Judas has stated he will be stepping down from his current position at the angel network to start his own, which he is calling Sintagram.
“By no means am I distancing myself from Mr. Christianson—I mean Jesus—because of his religious background,” stated Mr. Benowitz. “I just don’t want to associate myself with someone who’s capable of sending us all to Hell.”
Many in the industry are now calling for Jesus to step down as the founder and CEO of Biblical Investments, with one tech blogger saying he should, “Come back from where he came from!”
“This must feel like a second crucifixion for him,” said Henderson afterwards. “Except this time, the whole world will get to see it on YouTube.”
Jesus could not be reached for comment, as he’s been stuck in church this whole time.
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