Early this morning, a little after breakfast and just before that mid-morning snack, Microsoft announced they will finally stop trying to convince us that Internet Explorer (IE) “doesn’t suck.” Something most web users have known since IE 6.
“The only selling point we had for years was telling people IE was more ‘secure’ than our competitors,” said Microsoft spokesperson Kim Lee. “Come to find out,” Lee said, “nobody cares about security. People just wanna get on Facebook and cyberbully their friends and co-workers.”
Lee says Microsoft will continue to support the last two IE users “until they realize Firefox and Chrome are more customizable and faster.”
One of those two users is Utah housewife and mother of nine, Adelina Reynolds. Reynolds says the only way she knows how to access her Hotmail account is to click “the little ‘e’ button” on her Gateway PC.
“It’s always been trendy to hate Microsoft,” says Mindy Harper, an online tech blogger and 4th grader from San Francisco, CA with over 50,000 followers on Twitter. “It’s a running joke at our elementary school to say you’re ‘Binging’ something rather than ‘Googling’ it,” says Harper. According to Harper, you should be using a MacBook Pro and Safari anyway. That is, “if you want to be taken seriously in the tech world.”
Lee says discontinuing IE will have very little impact on Microsoft’s search business because “nobody is using Bing anyway.” Even Adelina Reynolds, the Utah housewife, uses the Bing search box integrated into IE to get to Google.
According to Lee, the 90 members of the IE team based in Redmond, WA will be reassigned to the Hotmail team, and when Microsoft closes the door on Hotmail in two years they will be reassigned to search, and when Microsoft finally gives up on search they will be moved to the Office team, and once everyone figures out OpenOffice is comparable and free they will be laid off with the rest of the Microsoft workforce.
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