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Myspace Giving Away Jet Skis to All New Users
By JGriff

Long Beach, CA – In an attempt to cut into Facebook’s massive online market share, pop singer and Myspace co-owner Justin Timberlake told reporters yesterday that the social-networking website will be sending brand new Kawasaki Jet Skis to everyone who signs up for a new Myspace account before the end of February, 2013. Timberlake took a break from shredding waves himself in Long Beach to announce the new marketing initiative, which he says will be funded with his own personal money.

 

 

“Is Myspace already the best place for artists to meet and be discovered? Yes, obviously,” Timberlake said while scrolling through a PowerPoint presentation on an iPad. “Could it be the ultimate social network for anyone and everyone alike, regardless of their creative abilities? Yes, of course. I think we just need to hand out a few million Jet Skis to get us there, that’s all.”

 

 

Timberlake reportedly considered a number of other potential giveaways before settling on personal water crafts, including samurai swords, bearskin rugs, Super Bowl tickets and flannel-print fedoras. “I thought long and hard about a product that would generate the most interest,” the singer continued, “and I realized that there isn’t a person on Earth who wouldn’t want a Jet Ski. So according to my calculations, come February 2013, every person on Earth will be on Myspace. Every person. Pretty incredible, right?”

 

 

Myspace CEO Tim Vanderhook said that while he didn’t think Timberlake’s plan was wise or promising, there wasn’t anything he could or would do about it. “Hey, it’s his money,” said Vanderhook. “I don’t care how he spends it — that’s Jessica’s job. We basically just let Justin do whatever the hell he wants around here while we focus on the important things. If he wants to throw away a billion dollars on Jet Skis, fine, more power to him. Meanwhile, we’ll be developing a more dynamic music player for the site.”

 

 

Timberlake says he’s already thinking about how he’s going to celebrate when Myspace “inevitably” overtakes Facebook next year in its total number of unique worldwide visitors. “I’m probably going to go buy myself a new Jet Ski,” he said, “and jump that baby over Niagara Falls. I think that’d be pretty sweet.”

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JGriff, or Jason as he is commonly known, is basically just here to bring you the funny. To bring it hard, and to bring it all day long. Follow him on Twitter @jasongriffith if you're down with that sort of thing.

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