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North Korea Upgrades Systems to Windows 95, Citizens Not Allowed to Hit Escape
By David

In a euphoric public statement last Wednesday, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’s newly installed Glorious Supreme Amazing Leader Kim Jong-un hailed a glorious day as North Korean tech-slaves computer technicians successfully upgraded the country’s systems to Windows 95, complete with Intel core processing. Jong-un could not contain his excitement at the news, which, he said, signified North Korea’s entrance onto the grand stage of modern Internet technology.

 

“For long time, we lived in computer darkness,” wrote Jong-un via email from new his AOL account, glorious1@aol.com, “Now we will prosper in age of great information. Our computers are swift like our non-existent nuclear weapons. Speaking of which, we definitely do not have nuclear weapons. Check our Wikipedia. I just did. Take that, West!”

 

Jong-un could not be reached for further comment, as he was reportedly entranced by an online ad for Pizza Hut’s double-stuffed crust pizza.

 

Increased access to e-information is a landmark occurrence for many of Jong-un’s loyal subjects. Koh-suh Park, a rice farmer in the Kanggye region of northern North Korea, who recently obtained a government-issued Compaq® Presario 3000, proudly told CachedTech Reporters, “Now when Glorious Supreme Leader shoots a 32 on an 18-hole golf course, whatever that is, I can go onto KSPN and see the scene instantly.” Added his wife, showing off her Gateway® 1861 that came pre-loaded with hundreds of pictures of Kim Jong-un, “And when Kim Jong-un defeats Irish terrorist Barack O’Bama in boxing match, I can read about it on CNNorth Korea. I love internets! Long live Leader!”

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David enjoys writing comedic things, making up words, listening to the smooth jams of Taylor Swift, and telling friends about the refreshing tartness of a Trolli Brite Crawler. When not writing for CachedTech, he lives in New York City, has a job, and pretends to work out once in a while. David often wonders: Where do internets come from? Does Mark Zuckerberg have any real-life friends? Isn't TechCrunch that new Kellogg's-brand metallic breakfast cereal?

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Comments:
  1. Michael Gamb February 12, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Amazing article! haha. The sad part is I bet they still run off Windows NT

    Reply

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